Writer's Remorse

I told a friend at work today that I had written some stupid shit on the internet and offended some longtime friends and probably a few family members, and he said, "See? That's what happens when you spend too much time on the internet. You start flapping your gums." And that pretty much sums it up.

And, it's a fairly accurate description of most stuff I write: oftentimes it's just "gum-flapping." By no means would I describe anything here nuanced or even carefully considered, and half the time it's written for effect. Still, I'm not surprised that my last post was too much to take for some people. I just assumed they'd know that as always, there's more to it, and me, than that.

So, some thoughts I probably should have included:

In no way is this an indictment of my upbringing in Texas, or my friends and family and their beliefs. In many ways I'm glad to have had a mostly sheltered and safe adolescence. It may have just postponed some life lessons until later, but that's okay. Sometimes fear is a powerful motivator, and it was for me: fear of having my friends think I was "bad," fear of disappointing my parents, fear of ... you name it. However, while most people's fear was based in a strong religious belief, mine was just fear of being different from the crowd. Again, not a bad thing at the time, but it ultimately marked the beginning of me figuring out how to believe differently than many people I love.

Figuring out how to do that - believe differently than people I love - is something I'm still working on. Obviously it's hard not to come across as judgmental when you begin to set yourself apart - so if I'm guilty of that, I'm sorry. Especially since the judgment of conservative doctrine is what I couldn't take anymore about what I grew up with.

What I really should have written about is that one thing I've noticed about being in a different part of the country is not that the East Coast is "liberal" while the South is "conservative," but that it seems to me more than ever that belief is mainly a product of geography. Living in Austin is different than living in Round Rock, just like living in Manhattan is different than living in Staten Island. Would we all believe the way we do if we had been born to different families who lived in different places? Sometimes I think it's just the luck of the draw.

I know better than to talk about politics and religion, especially in a blog post ripe for misunderstanding, but if you had known my father, you'd understand. There's nothing worth believing if it's not worth talking about.

Liberal Pinko Commie Feminazi

I saw the Ibsen play Hedda Gabler last week and as we sat in stunned silence after the curtain fell, my first thought was, "Henrik Ibsen must have hated women."

My second thought was, "When did I become such a raging liberal feminist?? How predictable." Not that I'm qualified to critique either the play or performances, but geez, that Hedda sure was unlikeable. Reflects a bit poorly on the rest of us ovaried ones, if ya ask me.

So I've been thinking about my reaction to the play, and how since college my reactions to most things - news, entertainment, politics, literature, the portrayal of women in the Twilight series, etc. - have become increasingly liberal. When I was growing up in Bryan/College Station (I like to call it "Bryan America" but make sure you pronounce that "Brine"), being called a liberal was a serious insult.

I don't think I even knew what it meant to be "liberal" except that it was bad, or at least un-Christian, which was worse. Remember, this is a town where a friend's mom told her not to tell anyone she (the mom) donated money to the local Planned Parenthood chapter, for fear of being ostracized by other friends' moms. Seriously.

My father's mother was an old school "yellow dog" Democrat, and both my parents fell in the middle and sometimes even on the left of many social issues, but they were by far the exception and not the rule. As a teenager I remember engaging in violent debates with my good friends about their pro-life stances vs. my pro-choice one. (Nevermind that in Texas being "pro-life" somehow never carried over to being against the death penalty, but that's DIFFERENT, ya know.) At UT and in Austin I found many more like-minded people, but outside of Travis County, Texas is still a very red state, and I don't think I really knew how indoctrinated I was until I left.

As an adult I've realized a lot of what I grew up with and defined as politically "conservative" is really more about religious belief - specifically a Southern Baptist fundamentalism that is intrinsically tied to social conservatism (see GWB '00-'08). So much of the brainwashing/morality training I absorbed from my peers and community growing up was tied to what was "good" or "bad." The Devil is real, and he's out to get you. If you don't believe me, just go to Sunday night youth group.


That's a blog post for another time, but good lord, the guilt we were taught to feel: about drinking, going to parties, making out with boyfriends and god forbid even THINKING about having sex. Even before I went to college, and definitely after, I realized the inherent hypocrisy in regulating people's behavior according to very selective interpretation and application of the Scripture. (That'd be the Holy Bible, for those of you unchurched.)
At some point I realized that it didn't make sense to be anti-abortion if you were also anti-birth control and anti-sex education. I know plenty of people who profess to "Love your neighbor as yourself," but only if the neighbor speaks English and didn't have to cross a river to get to the Great State. I guess around the time I made these realizations is the same time I decided if being a liberal was left, I didn't want to be right.

And now here I am having really annoying and self-indulgent feminist rants about the depiction of women and their natures in Twilight and Hedda Gabler. So, in summary, all I can say is: blame it on the Baptists. I do.

Cacophony

It's raining outside, and I'm watching the rain through my front windows while also enjoying a third consecutive episode of Top Chef on tv. Caving in and getting cable was probably a bad idea, although to be honest I'd just be watching my third consecutive episode of Law & Order if I didn't have cable.
NYC schools are out for Winter Break, so I'm spending my week off working furiously in the Teachers College library so I can finish my latest draft to send to my advisor by the end of the week.

HA! Did you believe that? Yeah, that hasn't happened yet. But I'm THINKING about how I should be spending my week off working furiously, at least. Still got two days left!

I'm also thinking about a million other things, which I blame for my current paralysis. Here's a sampling:

1. The alcoholic neighbor is back after a stint in the hospital (after he passed out and burned himself in the shower, causing the water to spill downstairs and the FDNY to bust down the door to get him out - thank god while we were away between Christmas and New Year's.) I think I heard him fall yesterday but I can hear movement today, so does that mean he's up and moving? And what the hell am I going to do if he falls again and this time I'm here for the dramatic rescue? Ugh.

2. My niece is two weeks old and before she was born, I promised myself I wouldn't be one of those siblings who lives vicariously through my sister's first child and has to be present for every tiny event, such as first Easter, first solid food, first haircut, whatever. But if I wait til the summer, this baby will practically be crawling by the time I see her again. So I might take it back, and make a trip in April. AND July. Who am I kidding? I'm in love with her.

3. I'm obsessed with planning a trip to somewhere fun this spring. Oaxaca? Barcelona? Marfa?? While I'm a grad student I'd really like to make the most of my opportunities to travel, and it's always nice to have something to look forward to. However, I'm going to be a grad student forever if I don't start prioritizing the time I need for my dissertation proposal - which is a lot less fun to look forward to. Boo.

4. I must have successfully (and harshly) dissuaded the Pinball Champ, because after my email response to his last invitation to get together, I haven't heard from him again. I'm feeling bad that I was a little too honest (Something is missing for me and I don't see that changing - harsh or no?), but I guess it served its purpose, right? In the last month I've also heard from a guy I dated for five weeks? six? the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college who is married and the father of a little girl, but still curious about why it didn't work out between us, apparently. BECAUSE WE WERE 19 and HAVING A SUMMER FLING, dude. (Side note: Facebook is the devil.) (Also, am I being harsh again? Dammit.)

Now it's snowing, or was for two seconds, and eventually I'll have to leave the apartment. Holly and I have tickets to see Hedda Gabler, where she will gaze lovingly at her celebrity crush Mary Louise Parker and I will congratulate myself on scooping up $24 student tickets. WOOHOO.

And if you're dying to see some more gorgeous pictures of my niece, check out the newborns link here. You'd go back to see her as soon as you could, too!

Withdrawal

I've only been back in New York for a few days, and the withdrawal has seriously set in. What am I going to do? My sweet baby niece Lucinda is at home in Austin, Texas and who knows how long it will be before I get to see her again? Boo. My week in Texas went by so quickly, it almost feels like it didn't happen. Except I have all these pictures!

Here's my sis and B.I.L. the morning of. Good thing they didn't know how long that day was going to be!
Somebody needed a break after the epidural finally came.

First pictures from the doula right after Lucinda arrived!

After staying in the hospital the night before the induction and then the night Lucinda Curtis was born, my sis and B.I.L. were ready to get the hell out of there. All of the baby's tests were good, so they got released only 24 hours after she was born. What do you do on your first night home with the baby? Catch up on The Office, of course!

On her third day in the world, Lucinda starred in her very own newborn photo shoot! C and K's photographer friend Karolina came from Dallas and got some amazing pictures (which you can see on http://karolinakingphotography.com - click on newborns.)
Here's the photo shoot, complete with Snuggie!
Sadly I didn't get a picture of my B.I.L. getting peed on.

Addie, their insane rescue Jack Russell terrier, stayed surprisingly calm after the strange bundle arrived. Although she stayed nearby in case anybody wanted to put down the bundle and pet her.
Also, she was totally distracted by the Westminster Dog Show.
On Sunday the Bryan America relatives made a visit. Apparently they found something to stare at in the living room.
It's amazing how fast the minutes pass when you're all staring at a new baby!

My Sister Had a Baby and All I Have to Show For It Are A Few Thousand Pictures

A week ago, I was feeling hopeful that I would make my flight on time (I did), that everything would go beautifully for my sister and B.I.L. (it did), and that I wouldn't completely lose it when I finally met my niece (I didn't.)

I hoped to be sharing good news with you last Tuesday, but if you aren't on any of the multitude of online time-sucks I've been updating, you've had to wait until now...

to meet Lucinda!



(On the night she was born)

And at home with Mommy!

She's perfect, and we're thrilled. This has been a long time coming, and I am so happy for her parents, their friends, and our family. Whew.

But. There's only one small problem. I'm back in Harlem USA tonight, and she's still in Austin!

Shit.

Daily Dose: Hope is the Thing With Feathers*

I hope I make my flight on time today, with such a small window of time from work to JFK.

I hope today goes quickly for my sister and B.I.L., and that tomorrow everything goes beautifully.

I hope I don't completely lose it when I finally meet my niece.



I hope to be sharing good news with you tomorrow!



*Once an English major, always an English major.